So I seem to have hit some mark for continuing to blog for a length of time, but I can’t seem to put myself in a position to celebrate it at all. Hence the use of a day count rather than a number of months or even years. I haven’t really felt good about the last year as far as my writing. Last year I said I had 2 paths to go toward, thoughtful analysis or writing on something popular. It seems I’m pretty well incapable of the former without being incredibly boring, and the latter seems to have been a complete miss with Haganai.
Duration isn’t exactly something I find worth celebrating in the middle of. At the end of it all, that’s fine if what came before it was great. However, it sort of feels like hitting Scamp’s famed 3 year mark is like awarding the winner of a 24-hour endurance race after 3 hours. Further more, I’m fairly certain that Scamp’s observation has skewed the survival of blogs as it has set a target that no one would have thought about before he wrote on it.
So what else has happened in the last year? There were the group watches of various shows that I don’t know if I really contribute to in a serious way. Making people laugh is fine, but when it comes to serious shows I may as well mute my mic. There’s probably a level of fear in there that maybe I’m not a serious enough fan to contribute. This probably seems in sharp contrast to my writing here which is all too literal with any analysis and humor dulled to the point of having no edge at all. Pumping out week-after-week-after-week of Legend of the Galactic Heroes posts may have ruined my ability to write. There’s the rub, trying to combine one of the great works of anime into improving my ability to write has ruined both for me.
There’s also the topic of blog stats that seems to bother me whenever anniversaries or milestone view counts are brought up. One million plus hits seems to be the worst as I lag around averaging somewhere in the region of 6 hits a day over the entire history of this blog. I know it’s a stupid thing to get all out of shape about, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m doing something wrong, or worse that I’ve thrown away effort from the start.
About 11 months ago, and convinced by a couple of others I did apply to write for another blog and was rejected. Needless to say, my confidence has been shattered ever since. Resilience isn’t what I’m know for despite inexplicably lasting here as long as I have. I still haven’t even considered writing somewhere else. My existing writing isn’t generating traffic, so why would anyone want me, before even going into the fact that I used Index as my application material. This still hasn’t stopped one of their writers from repeatedly referencing me in his posts lately. I don’t see myself as worthy of having anyone care about what I write until I feel that I have become someone who writes interestingly and without fear.
To continue on the topic of regret, I also have this post on Redline that I never got around to pulling the trigger on posting. It will almost certainly never see the light of day as it’s by far the worst thing I’ve ever put together for post here. It’s the result of what happens when you try to write an opinion on something, but are just afraid to stand behind it. I know that works with partial season reviews on considerably more popular sites, but even I couldn’t stand reading that piece of waffling again.
On the other hand, I am improving on at least commenting somewhere else so my presence goes beyond my regular/almost daily breakdowns about how terrible I am at everything. That sounds pretty depressing that latter part. Unfortunately, it seems to work too well for comfort in trying to promote things. I really wish that weren’t true, but I digress. I probably made the mistake of not watching anything that most people in this blogosphere watch.
Instead I watch:
- Haganai because the full title is fairly accurate to my own circumstances and because I’m writing on it
- The new Last Exile simply for aesthetics because I have no idea what larger universe it exists in
- The 2nd seasons of Ika Musume, Working and Sekaiichi Hatsukoi despite the fact that I hate squid puns, like the Inami scenes, and don’t find any of the characters at the publisher to be realistic
- Maken-ki because where iyashikei series can be relaxing for some people, crap harem fanservice-fests have the same affect on me. Relaxing and completely forgettable five minutes after it’s done.
So to wrap this all up to those still paying attention, I approach the next 366 days at a bit of a crossroads. I simply don’t know where to take this blog for much longer. I just want to be able to write in a year that I didn’t feel like I was utterly left behind. There’s probably room for stuff to still be done here. Some seem to like the light-hearted nature of those Pointless Debate posts I started on a whim. I just worry about the lack of things to fall back on when I do run out of Legend of the Galactic Heroes posts.
To summarize for those who think the above is too long and can’t be bothered to read, I’m not in a particularly celebratory mood as I feel I have failed in a bunch of ways in the last year. I continue to watch and write about the wrong shows all the while wondering why I can’t seem to do better. Plus, within a few months I may have nothing else to really write about. I think that just about covers everything; less whinging for next year’s anniversary post.