The Worst Stuff I Have Ever Watched #3

Ah the future, where everyone wears knee socks regardless of gender and the scarves are made of hard plastic so they can be always flapping in the "wind."
Ah the future, where everyone wears knee socks regardless of gender and the scarves are made of hard plastic so they can be always flapping in the "wind."

“Apocalypse Zero is an anime that lives up to its name. Zero merits, zero reasons to watch it, zero out of ten.”

Apocalypse Zero

Positives

  • Inexplicably high level of VA talent assembled here.
  • The official subbers of this elected not to subtitle some of the lines, the laziness of others can be beneficial.
  • The effects of long-term exposure to radiation end up being comic fodder, though I doubt this was intentional.
  • Ending theme is also far too good for this.
  • Unintentional comedy score of 97 out of 100.

Negatives

  • Lots of stuff I will never be able to unsee of a graphic sexual nature
  • English title of Apocalypse Zero sounds like it should not be a post-apocalyptic title…unless the apocalypse is actually a pre-apocalypse.
  • I should also mention that graphic sexual nature describes every villain
  • Recycled footage in a 2 episode OVA, seriously
  • Narrative is a complete mess, but I wouldn’t be watching a masterpiece for this feature.
  • Main villain defeated comically easily

Well the story is pretty much a mess. The planet is rocked by earthquakes that last for 5 years and have exposed everyone to massive amount of radiation leaving many people deformed.

Hakugo gets friendly with his armored suit. Was this really necessary?
Kakugo gets friendly with his armored suit. Was this really necessary?

It’s a dangerous world where innocent teenage couples can be attacked by giant women who insist on full frontal nudity, and students go to school in unsafe buildings. There to protect them is Hagakure Kakugo and his armored suit named Zero.

The flow of the series is essentially fight scene, flashback, end of fight, bonding with other students with Horie (voiced by someone named Horie of all things) continuing her unrequited love of Kakugo before things repeat all over again.

The voice acting leaves surprisingly little room for complaint as it seems they simply hired a large chunk of the Evangelion voice team and threw money at them, or they simply needed work which is more likely.

Strange tongue deformity that.
Strange tongue deformity that.

Also, there is an overtly sexual element to nearly every scene. Whether it’s Kakugo making sweet love to his armor, or his brother/whatever changing genders because of the armor, or monsters with multiple penises, or detachable breast monsters or even a vagina capable of ripping off arms there’s no line that isn’t crossed.

In the end, the only redeeming factor is the comedy, though I doubt they set out for it to be like that. The terrible writing, the sex monsters, the physically impossible ways people are killed off and much more merely had me laughing. And no, that isn’t an endorsement of this at all.

And for anyone who comes across this, I am once again open to suggestions for terrible anime, or terrible anything else to watch for this feature. I’m hoping the next one doesn’t revisit this all too familiar theme of post-apocalyptic life.

The Worst Stuff I Have Ever Watched #2

This promotional pic is 75% as animated as the actual series
This promotional pic is 75% as animated as the actual series

Legend of Duo

“my last (anime) is going to be something so appalling horrible it drives me insane”

Positives:

  • The music is pretty much average, with a bonus of no OP or ED to ruin things.
  • Like Kevin Bacon in Tremors, Sugita Tomokazu proves himself to be far too good to be in this.
  • Attempts to maintain visual novel like minimalist feel
  • Unintentional comedy rating of 86 out of 100

Negatives:

  • At it’s best, the animation resembles a lazy flash animation, at worst it could hardly be called animation.
  • The vampire hunter role (I don’t even care to remember if the character had a name) provided a performance straight out of IKEA.
  • Rest of the cast’s other roles in anime include Young Man 1 and Passerby C
  • SNL’s Automatic Death Disease was far more creative than the way randoms are killed off in this.

Basically, what you have here is one hour of shounen ai vampire drama that utterly fails. While there is some comedy out of the fact that a puppy being kicked leads directly to cannibalism, few would think that it was intentional. The shounen ai aspect also fails because it desperately feels the need to hold back at all times rather than embrace what it really wants to be. The overall plot, basically the vampire Duo exposing the darkest side of humanity to Zieg, is pretty weak but not too terrible. High concept anime it is, successful it is not.

Once again, if you feel a particular need to give me something else to torture myself on, add something in the comments.

The Worst Stuff I Have Ever Watched #1

14 in the comedy death pool?
Who had 3:14 in the comedy death pool?

Mars of Destruction

Strengths:

  • Less than 20 minutes in length.
  • Remarkably, someone actually got work after appearing in this
  • From a production standpoint, the music budget of zero looks a real bargain
  • Unintentional comedy level of 88 out of 100.

Weaknesses:

  • Public domain music is actually the best aspect of the sound
  • Amateurish directing complete with a plot that can be described as the destitute man’s Evangelion.
  • Looping animation…in something that lasts 20 minutes…Jesus wept.
  • I’ve already spent more time on this post than I did watching it

In conclusion, you pretty much have an adaptation of a game which combines too many genres, directed by someone by someone who watched the entire Gainax back catalogue in the week before production started, but still did not know what they are doing, dialogue which sounds as though someone put a towel over the mic, BGM which could probably be improved by using my random classical playlist and pretty much failing at every sort of conceptual level possible. Yet, I don’t think this is the worst thing I could ever watch.

Any suggestions on what I should masochistically subject myself to next can be put in the comments…assuming anyone actually reads this.